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How to Destroy a Good Relationship

By Dr. Sam Brumit, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

"Love is patient... love is kind...love doesn't keep records of wrongs..." I Corinthians 13

Recently, I heard some alarming statistics.

Average failed marriage – 7.2 years.

America has the highest divorce rate in the world.

Over half of all divorces occur in the USA.

Things in the world of relationships aren’t necessarily getting better. They seem to be getting worse. The failure rate of relationships remains remarkably high.

Is there any way to know what leads to failure in a marriage or relationship? I suspect there are some “vital signs” to determine if you are about to destroy a relationship that could have thrived. Here are a few of them:

1, Lack of Appreciation. It’s amazing how we can be in a relationship and fail to acknowledge the other person’s role. We often take them for granted and seldom tell them what they mean to us. Your spouse or partner carries a lot of responsibility and sometimes just needs to hear it. Saying “thanks” won’t kill you but lack of gratitude might just kill the relationship. In my relationship with my wife, we have occasionally have commented to each other, “just treat me with the same respect you would a stranger”. Why is that?

2. It’s a Failure to Communicate. I remember when my relationship began with Judy. We lived several states apart and would talk on the phone for hours at a time. In person, we couldn’t stop talking. If you want to improve the quality of a relationship…talk. I don’t mean talking about what’s for dinner or what bills need to be paid or other tasks. I mean honest to goodness sharing…about things that matter. Communicating is also about listening. Do you really hear what the other person is saying? Try asking them to take their thought a little further. Ask follow up questions.

3. Not Enough Fights. I notice in counseling couples that there is sometimes a lack of passion that is alarming. They don’t verbally affirm each other… or get angry, or demonstrate much emotion. It seems that emotion in the relationship lacks real passion. It’s reduced down to relational oatmeal. Oatmeal is good, but don’t you want something more than that sometimes? Add some passion to your relationship and don’t be afraid to disagree or even fight. Just make sure that those fights are “fair” ones…without going for the jugular. And as the Bible says, "don't let the sun go down on your anger".

5. Not Being Heard. Most people like to have someone listen. If you want to keep the relationship going… really listen. Many times while someone is speaking, we are thinking “what am I going to say next”. Resist the urge and simply listen. I tell couples to do a “10 & 10”. This means that one of them takes ten minutes and shares about a topic that is not related to their conflict. The other person listens. When they are done, the listener takes a few minutes to repeat what they heard, as carefully as possible. Finally, the one who shared either states that their partner “got it” (or at least close) or they reiterate something that was missed. The next time, they switch roles. It’s pretty important to use the line “What I hear you saying is…” and mean it. The other person can always tell if you are not listening or not interested in what they share.

6. Boring Each Other. Most couples start their relationship with activities that are fun. When I ask couples what brought them together, they often point to physical attraction (IE she was hot, he was handsome, etc.) and then the next thing they say is “we had so much in common”. They started out doing activities that they both found enjoyable. Then, at some point, it just stops. You never go out, you never dress up, and the fun just drains out of the relationship. Maybe you are more physical and your partner enjoys opera. Whatever it is, find something in common and get out of your comfort zone. It really does help if occasionally you get out of town!

7. Micro-managing. Don’t we all tend to pick on each other for things that are just idiosyncrasies? Nobody likes to have someone else telling them what to do all the time. We all have our ways of doing things and we all are unique in our approach to tasks. Micro-managing is not the way to build a strong relationship. Let your companion be themselves.

In groups I lead, there is often a rule. No advice giving without it being requested. This might apply well to our relationships.

Most of us adhere to the old axiom “If you want the job done right, do it yourself”.

If you practice picking on your partner’s style, you may wind up alone – doing it all yourself. Work on your control issue and you’ll be better off for it!

7. Never and Always. We all say things we don’t mean. If you don’t want to eat your words, watch using words like “always” and “never”. Telling a spouse you always do this or never do that is a sure fire way of escalating a discussion into an argument. Try to stay in your “adult” and not resort to becoming like a child…with your words.

8. Pure Neglect. I used to tell audiences that I spoke to “love me, hate me but don’t ignore me”. Good fights are healthy in a relationship. Sometimes relationships die out of neglect. Do you care enough about the other person to engage them at all? If not, over time, you will find one or both of you saying “we just fell out of love”. Remember the attention that you paid the person while you were dating, and you’ll know what lit the initial spark.

There is a lot more to relationships, but these are some things that will help insure its health. Relationships are work…no way around it. You can begin today to change the trajectory of your relationship.

Couples counseling is often the solution to getting strategic about practicing these and other principles. Just a few sessions (completed with sincerity) can make a difference. There is wisdom in seeking help and counseling. Your relationship can be restored and actually begin to thrive as you commit to change.